Real Talk: Relationships
- McKayla Walker
- Sep 20, 2016
- 6 min read
Here's the thing: we all want a relationship that's just like the movies. We want the dream guy who somehow swings out of nowhere and sweeps us off our feet. We want the cheesy jokes and that look that the guy gives you where you know he loves you more than anything in this world.
Here's the other thing: a relationship isn't always gonna be just like the movies, and to perpetuate that that's what is needed for a healthy relationship is how problems start.
So, here are 11 things you can use to make sure your relationship is the best it can be.
1. Don't think that it is required in a good relationship to have your boyfriend buy you expensive gifts "just because."
When people expect things like this, this creates unrealistic and unnecessary expectations within your relationship.
2. Do show appreciation for every gift and act of service you're given by the person who you love.
It might not even be anything big. It could be your person making your bed and folding your clothes, making an extra piece of toast for your if you're running late in the morning, or just putting toothpaste on your toothbrush for you. These are all little things they are doing to show you that they love you.
3. Anyone can be compatible with anyone- there isn't a "perfect person" who we are destined to be with. You chose who you end up with.
Because of all these chick flicks, everyone assumes that there is only "one true love" for them. That their first love could be their only real love, or if there is a slight hiccup in their relationship, then "that just can't be their person". BULL!
My sister-in-law put it like this: say someone tells you they hand-made you a Vespa. That this bike was perfect for you in every way. Well, you start riding it and notice that the seat is a little uncomfortable or the handles aren't the size you thought they'd be. You would be furious because this bike was supposed to be perfect and never let you down! And guess what- you wouldn't do anything to fix the problem.
Now say that you worked hard for MONTHS to find not a bike that was "made for you", but a bike that you wanted. You buy it and remind yourself that just because the seat might be a little uncomfortable, you chose it and love it. That even though the handlebars aren't just right, this was the bike you wanted and since you chose it, it really is perfect for you in the end.
Sit on that. Mull it over. And now we move on.
(Side note: isn't she a genius for that analogy? I love it.)
4. Don't talk about how good looking someone else is in front of them.
You might have awesome, open communication, and that is great. But you don't want to hear about how nice that girl's butt was, or how that girl has nice hair. So why bring up how hot a certain celebrity is, or that boy from your Chemistry class, or whatever?
We compare ourselves enough to everyone we think is pretty, why push that unnecessarily on your person? I don't like hearing if a girl has nice legs from my boyfriend because then I am just going to think "Great, I must have horrible legs." I don't want him thinking he isn't strong enough, or cute enough, or funny enough by complimenting a complete stranger to him, so I don't. The end.
5. Doubts are healthy, and it's okay.
Everyone gets scared when their significant other tells them they are doubtful. I know I certainly have been. It's important to remember that they love you NOW. That just because you aren't getting engaged and married within a few months (Hello, Utah), doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. A life-long commitment to another person is a BIG deal, and a huge decision with that kind of weight should be thought about as such.
As long as doubts aren't consistent and at the center of your relationship, it will be okay. Doubting what you know helps you test the strength of your relationship and solidify the certainty you have!
6. Differences in personality are awesome.
My boyfriend's mother told him that the person you end up with "fills in the gaps". After hearing that, it made me a LOT less self-conscious about the fact that I am loud and outgoing and consistently excited, as my boyfriend is very calm and collected and chill. The differences in your personality allow you to, truly, complete one another.
This isn't to perpetuate the idea that you aren't a full person without your SO, but that when you are with one another and influencing one another, you help broaden that person's personality and views on life. You make each other better.
Now, if you two are exactly alike, awesome. Just because the whole "opposites attract" thing isn't your relationship, that doesn't mean your relationship isn't awesome and fantastic. It's just different than so-and-so's and that is TOTALLY fine.
7. Don't give everything.
My parents, my mom mostly, gave wonderful advice about this. When you are newly in a relationship, it is so easy to want to lose yourself in it. "This person is the one for me, they'll never let me down," blah blah blah, and suddenly, something terrible happens and you're all alone. What happens when you give EVERYTHING of yourself, when your happiness and life is completely dependent on that person, is that if things go south, or your relationship was abusive or manipulative, then you are lost. You can go into deep depression and completely lose your sense of identity.
You can be perfectly happy by "giving 90%" to your SO. That 90% allows you to make them your priority, while the extra 10% is for you. It's for you to put yourself first sometimes, to go out and have fun with friends and family on your own, to have a little you time. As long as your relationship is built on you both investing as much, then you don't need to give everything.
8. Don't post about all your problems.
A relationship is called a "couple" for a reason. When you get everyone and their dog involved, that is what we call a "group" and now you have blown what could have been a minor issue WAY out of proportion.
A mature relationship means to talk about your fears, insecurities, and uncertainties TOGETHER before you start asking advice from everyone you know. Subtweeting or being shady on Facebook isn't going to lead to (this is overly bolded for a reason. so listen up) ANY resolution to your problems.
By calling your mom or your best friends every time you have a fight, that not only a) taints their view of your SO but b) leads to someone who is NOT a major part of your relationship giving their opinion when they do not have the full story.
So, end line: if you are having a problem, talk it out with one another before you call all your contacts asking about what to do.
(Now, if you are fighting every day and have tried fixing the problem yourselves, THEN you can talk to people in established and long term relationships for advice, or even a couples counsellor, for help. I promise that the people on Twitter and Facebook are not authorities about relationships, and thus, their opinions about your two-line subtweet/substatus are invalid.)
9. Don't talk about your previous relationships unless they bring it up.
I struggle with this one. Obviously, previous relationships helped develop you into who you are and everything, but your SO doesn't want to hear you blabbing about how wonderful boyfriend #1 was and how you and boyfriend #2 used to do this.
Unless they bring it up, you don't need to. No one wants to feel like you're still in love with your ex from four years ago, or that you're comparing them.
I know it's hard, but YOU CAN REFRAIN!
10. The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
Similar to before, looking around for something or someone better in a relationship is not the best idea in the world. Similar to a lawn, your relationship will be the best it can be if you are continually working at it- pruning and weeding out the problems, fertilizing and watering it, and trimming off the unimportant things. Your lawn isn't going to be better than your super green neighbors if you are spending all your time being jealous of the lawns around you instead of working on your own.
11. Do show affection and love, however it is that you do.
Whether this is by giving them a kiss, telling them "I love you" often, or doing an act of service, you should let your partner know what they mean to you. As said, people will show this in different ways, but love them as you know they like to be loved, and treasure the fact that YOU SCORED WITH YOUR PARTNER.
For fun, here is me and my boyfriend, Ben, who makes me the happiest girl in the world. 6 months today, awwweee.
That's all folks!
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