Real Talk: Relationship Comparing
- McKayla Walker
- Oct 13, 2016
- 4 min read
Every relationship is different. Mike and Sally might spend every day together without getting tired of one another, while Jason and Allie need to have a day or two to themselves or they will go nuts. The problem we tend to have will all these #relationshipgoals posts and social media is that we are in a state of constant comparison.
It's definitely hard not to self-objectify yourself. When you scroll through Instagram or Twitter or Facebook and see all these cute photos of your best friend and her boyfriend out adventuring or with cute little laughing candid's, it's easy to think that something must be wrong with you. Your relationship might not look like that! But here's the thing- THAT IS OKAY.
Every relationship is different- that isn't news. But that doesn't keep us from comparing within ourselves with others because of our own insecurities.
1. When you're insecure, that is probably your bad.
My wonderful sister-in-law helped me a few weeks ago when I was being stupidly insecure about my own relationship. You see all these adorable pictures of couples, when you talk to your friends and family about their relationships they are always reporting about the positive things, and I'm over here thinking there might be something wrong with me because it isn't always sunshine and unicorns (although most of the time it is.) When you have a bad day, or a couple bad days, you tend to project those negative feelings into places they are better off not being projected upon. In this case, that can be your relationship.
So when you feel like you're not pretty enough, you're too much, or just lesser than your significant other, this is 99% of the time your fault, and not your significant others or even the fault of your relationship. This is something that shouldn't be projected upon your relationship because it will be damaging. So calm down, do what you need to to gain a little more confidence in yourself and your relationship, and remember that it's okay to not be okay all the time. That is completely normal and it shouldn't freak you out!
There, I hope this helps.
2. Everyone will show their love in different ways.
There is this awesome thing called the 5 Love Languages. If you haven't heard it, that's not a big deal, but it is certainly awesome to know about! The theory is that there are five ways people like to give and receive love:
1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Physical Touch
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Acts of Service.
I am definitely a words of affirmation person, and this is my favorite way to give love as well. I love giving compliments and telling my boyfriend how much I love him. When we were both apart all summer, it forced him to show love this same way to me since we could only communicate with words, not quality time and touch as we were used too. This forced him out of his comfort zone and to show love in a different way, and now that we are back in the same town again, this means he shows love primarily in different ways.
In your relationship, you need to be aware that just because you like to be loved a certain way, that doesn't mean that is how your person wants to be loved or maybe feels love the most. Your friends and family may show their love for their significant other in a different way than you do, and that is totally okay. Remember how diversity is the spice of life? It's the same here- everyone is going to show their love in different ways and this is totally okay.
Glamour also released an awesome article on this topic a few years ago. You can read it here.
3. Do NOT project failures from previous relationships onto your current one.
Sometimes the worst kind of comparisons can come from us comparing our current relationship to our last one. Everyone comes with baggage, and this means that everyone has had awesome things they loved about their last relationship and things that could have been hurtful, scaring, or in other ways damaging.
A problem lots of people, including myself, have is that they think that a relationship needs to go a certain way. In your first relationship, you may think it needs to be like the movies, or your parents, or your best friends. You don't know what you're doing!
By the time you move onto your next relationship, you think that it should be like your last one because that is what was familiar to you. A new relationship is uncharted territory and honestly, that is half the fun of it!
So do both of yourselves a favor and use this fun journey of one another as a clean slate. Don't think that just because you had a toxic last relationship that those same characteristics are possessed by this person (unless there are some serious red flags. Address those, and if it's unsafe, please get out). Don't think that just because your last boyfriend bought you flowers randomly or showed up with gifts out of no where that that should be expected. You and your significant other create the rules, boundaries, traditions, and love that is completely unique to YOU TWO and it should be treated as such.
Don't poison your relationship with the comparisons of the past, okay?
Relationships can be fragile at times, and comparing your relationship will not help. There are instances where it is important to compare, like in instance of abuse, but those are the exception and not the rule.
Remember how important the uniqueness of your relationship is and that you shouldn't let other couples at their best be the expectation for your own relationship.
If you need any specific relationship advice, feel free to write me with any of it! Go to Contact Me on the site and follow the instructions there.
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